“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
…And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.”
238 years ago today, 56 men signed their names to this document. Seven years after it was signed, Great Britain formally acknowledged American independence. And then we were a country. We just…created one. We became Americans.
There is so much we have achieved and may yet achieve in the future all because of a lucky stroke of fate that assembled the right people, with the right temperament, the right intellect, and of the same mind, in the same place, where they met and shared ideas and argued with each other and, ultimately, built the forge in which our union has been and will continue to be perpetually perfected. It is our right – it is our duty – to recognize the immensity of what that means: that our fellow American citizens, all of these “every day people” with different opinions and religions and creeds, are living monuments to that beautiful circumstance. What an extraordinary thing. What an extraordinary country.
Coffee I must have…
Sweeter than a thousand kisses,
milder than Muscatel wine.
Coffee! Coffee! must have it
and when someone wants to give me a treat.
Ah! pour me a Coffee.
This is an old “line stomp” dance from northern Iraq – part of the ancient Assyrian empire.
The Assyrian Empire
The Assyrian empire stretched across Israel, parts of Egypt, Lebanon, Jordan, Syria, Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia. The empire took its name from its original capital, the ancient city of Aššur, in what is now the Salah Al Din province of northern Iraq. It existed as an independent entity for nineteen centuries – from roughly 2500 BC to 605 BC. For the next thirteen centuries, until the about 650 AD, it was ruled predominantly by foreign powers, thus giving rise to a number of neo-Assyrian states within the borders of the empire. The empire fell to the Arab Islamic invasion in the mid-7th century AD.
It can be hard for westerns – especially Americans – to remember that Iraq existed before 1991, or 2003, or 2014. It has existed for thousands of years and been part of one of the richest civilizations the world has ever know. Now more than ever is it important to remember this, as ISIS pushes through parts of Iraq that used to be Assyrian.
There is nothing remarkable about today that I know of, certainly nothing that I feel compelled to dwell on. So I turned to the history books.
One entry for June 25 particularly caught me. (And no, it wasn’t the introduction of the fork to American dining in 1630. I’m not that predictable.)
Some guy named Wibbert was chosen as anti-pope Clemens III in 1080.
And I have no idea what that means. But I think it’s marvelous.
AND! Wibbert – sorry, Clemens – was from Ravenna! Italy! Sold! Hooray!
So here’s my favorite song by totally swingin’ Italian pianist Raphael Gualazzi. Lyrics below with slightly triply Google Translate translation. ITALIAN READERS I am so sorry for this terrible Italian.
—
Calda estate non si riesce a far più niente
che morire sotto il sole tra le gabole e la gente
e non so più dove andare ma non voglio questa gente
dove sei,dove sei,dove sei,dove sei
Mi rinfranco faccio un bagno dentro il sole
gioco a scopa nella scuola vuota come un capannone
mi distendo sopra un pianoforte forse sciolto e mi chiedo
dove sei, dove sei, dove sei, dove sei
Ah che bella questa estate questa gente,
tutto immagine e poi niente
e nessuno vuole dirmi
dove sei
faccio stragi ma se passo da perdente
prima o poi la stessa gente
mi telefona e mi dice dove sei
Sono stanco delle mie stesse parole
qui si fanno solo prove
non si sa chi diventare
per fortuna che ti ho visto
per fortuna almeno tu sei come sei
come sei,come sei,come sei
Ora basta questa estate,
questa gente non mi portano più a niente
ma che importa se mi dici dove sei
Pensa un po che mi travesto da pezzente
sparo lacrime abbronzanti
prevedendo per scoprire dove sei
Calda estate non riesco a far più niente
qui si muore con la gente che
non sa cosa vuol dire insieme a te
ti ho trovata sopra un panfilo lucente,
l’ammiraglio è inconcludente
ma che importa se tu sei vicino a me…
Hot summer, you can’t do anything who die in the sun between the Gabola and people I do not know where to go but I do not want these people Where are you, where are you, where are you, where are you I am heartened – take a bath in the sun Game of cards at the school as an empty hangar I lay on top of a piano maybe loose and I wonder Where are you, where are you, where are you, where are you
Oh what a beautiful this summer, these people, whole image and then nothing and nobody wants to tell me where are you massacres but if I step away from losing sooner or later the same people calls me and tells me where you are I’m tired of my own words here you are only testing no one knows who become luckily I saw you fortunately, at least you are as you are as you are, as you are, as you are Now just this summer, these people do not bring me anything but who cares if you tell me where you are
Just think that I disguise as beggar shot tears tanning expecting to find out where you are
Hot summer I can not do anything here you will die with the people who do not know what it’s like with you I found you on a yacht shiny Admiral is inconclusive but who cares if you’re near me …
Spending four hours on the phone with Sears customer service. YOLO.
Actually, I need to back up. This was an actual saga. This whole thing was cursed from the start. First of all, I made the mistake, ten years ago, of moving to Washington, D.C. For those of you who have never visited, let alone lived here, it is habitable for, collectively, fifteen days out of the year. Beginning in late May and petering out in mid-October, it is brain-bendingly hot and humid. It’s like the rain forest with more food options but fewer parrots.
But no point dwelling on the past. I moved here. I stayed here. I will doggedly continue to stay here, idiot that I am. But to do that, I need an apartment that is cool. For that to happen, I need window unit air conditioners. “Easy peasy,” said I! I ordered one from online from Sears. (Let me say that again. I ordered it online. This will come up again later.) A few days later, it was delivered. Excellent!
Except not excellent. Not even remotely excellent. It was delivered, alright – to my old address. My old address is a quick ten minute walk away, if unencumbered by a 78-pound metal box filled with toxic coolant. So I had to figure out a way to get it out from inside the apartment of the woman to whom it had been delivered (and who had taken possession of it without notifying the super, which was a little weird, but that’s neither here nor there). Thanks to the ministrations and car and forbearance and arm strength and all round good-person-ness of Mr. Yankette, I got it out of the old apartment, into the elevator, down the stairs, into the car, down the street, around the corner, up the stairs, into the elevator, and into my new apartment.
Just in time for the installation guys (who charge about a hundred dollars) to arrive. Phew!
Except not phew. Installation Man did his groovy installation thing, popped it in, screwed it to the window, caulked the gaps, turned it on, and *beep!* went the air conditioner. It might as well have been programmed to say, “Hello! I am an expensive piece of equipment and am programmed to disappoint! I have a hidden camera to record the number of times and different ways you will fiddle with my wires and read my instruction manual and after you’ve collapsed in tears I will send the tape electronically to my manufacturer for the company’s blooper reel! It’s a real hit at our holiday party!”
The air conditioner blew hot air. That’s all it did. It looked very pretty blowing hot air – like so many humans – but hot air was not what was required. “$%&!,” said I. So I did what anyone with an as-yet-unmaxed credit card and a grudge does: called an independent third party to verify the results. So two hours and two phone calls later, Verifier Man shows up. “Yep,” said he, “you got a dud.” He urged me to call Sears and get them to fix the problem. “But it’s not going to be easy – they’re going to fight you on this one.”
Tell me, O muse, of the ingenious air conditioner repair man who warned the unsuspecting client of the vagaries of Sears customer service, before the death of charity and reason.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to identify the correct number, amongst the fourteen options provided, to dial in order to tell a company their product is defective? It turns out they really don’t make it easy for you to do that. Amazing. Anyway, I found the general customer service hotline and three minutes later, I got a human. I explained to the human my situation. The human sympathized in a pre-programmed way and transferred me to their online purchases department. After four minutes on hold, I spoke to Online Purchases Department Human. Online Purchases Department Human said that she can’t find my records online but since it got installed today she would transfer me to the installation department. “What? Why?” “Hold please.” “What – …okay.”
The installation department now had the con. After a five minute wait on hold, I got another human. I explain to the Installation Department Human my situation. The human sympathized in the most believable way out of everyone I spoke with over the course of these four hours – but, because life loves irony more than the French, was absolutely unmoved in helping me solve the problem. Here was the problem. You ready for this? This was awesome.
Even though I bought my air conditioner online, I had to bring it into the store to get it repaired. Why? Because it crossed the “weight threshold” below which electronic items are considered too puny and unimportant to send someone out to deal with. Never mind my air conditioner weighed 78 pounds, that I had no car, and that, even if it were four pounds and I had a jet pack, that rationale made absolutely no sense at all. This human: unmoved. She urged me to call a Sears store and tell them about the problem.
So, I did. I called a Sears store. The line was busy. I redialed. The line was busy. I redialed eight times. The line rang. I told Sears Store Man the problem and what Installation Department Human had said. Sears Store Man’s reaction? “That’s insane. Call this number.” The number I got?
The “customer solutions” number.
I went back to the Sears website and could not find this number anywhere which only makes sense if you are actively against providing solutions for your customers. The plot thickened.
I called customer solutions, and after a seven minute wait (you see how this works? the closer to Olympus, the steeper the climb), I got Customer Solutions Human. I explained the situation. Customer Solutions Human said that because I ordered it online (yes!) I would have to be transferred to the Online Purchasing Department (what?! no! crap! not them again! I have so many plans for the rest of my life!) but in case that didn’t work, here was the number for…wait for it…
Online Customer Solutions.
WHAT.
So I was transferred back to the Online Purchasing Department. Which is when I met Cody. Cody is a real, honest to god, human. Cody is not Online Purchasing Department Human. Cody is like me – he has hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes, and a healthy respect for the uses of freon and time. Cody got me. I spent 53 minutes and 17 seconds on the phone with Cody. Here is roughly a transcript of what happened after I described the problem.
Me: “So, how can I solve this problem?”
Cody: “Well, let me pull up your records and take a look. Would you mind if I put you on a brief hold?”
Me: “Sure, go ahead.”
— doooo dooddoe n doot dee dooo…—
Cody: “I can’t find any record of your online purchase, which is weird.”
Me: “That is weird.”
Cody: “Can I have your order number?”
Me: “Yep. It’s **********.”
Cody: “Thanks. Would you mind if I put you on a brief hold?”
Me: “Sure, go ahead.”
— doooo dooddoe n doot dee dooo…—
Cody: “Thanks for waiting. Here is it. So here’s the problem: because the AC was picked up at a warehouse and delivered by UPS, that’s why they told you you’d have to bring it back to a Sears store.”
Me: “Wait…isn’t that what always happens? With literally everything you sell online? UPS picks it up from a warehouse and brings it to the person who ordered it?”
Cody: “Yep.”
Me: “So…if this is standard operating procedure, how is this a problem? Because I wouldn’t have to pull my fridge from the wall, rent a truck, put it in a truck, and drive it to a store to get it fixed.”
Cody: “Yeah…that’s true… Would you mind if I put you on a brief hold?”
Me: “Sure, go ahead.”
— doooo dooddoe n doot dee dooo…—
Cody: “Thanks for waiting. So I spoke to the installation department and the online services department, and I’m sending someone to uninstall the unit for you, for free, and once that’s done, give me a call, and I’ll have UPS come pick it up for you. How’s that?”
Me: “That’s great, Cody, thanks a lot.”
Cody: “You bet.”
God bless you, Cody, wherever and whoever you are.
And now, since that all took up half of my work day, I will now go about doing the work I had to do during the daylight hours before I go to sleep tonight. Which, in fact, is what “hora decubitus” means in Latin. (See? I always tie it together.)
Happy Summer, Tune-Up fans! Oh – yes, it’s true, I used to watch Carmen Sandiego. And yes, it’s true, a lot of my early musical tastes were created in the forge of the Carmen Sandiego cassette tape. It’s also true that this song always goes through my head every time summer rolls around and it’s just immorally hot in D.C. (It may be steamy but it’s still – a beautiful place. ((Doo doo doo n doo n dooooo…))
This song also reminds me of lying in my bunk at camp in Vermont and listening to this tape on loop for the entire time I was there. One morning I woke up early and looked out the window and saw baby ducks walking down the dock. That really has no bearing on this song, or really anything at all, but I got a sunburn on the hike yesterday, so I’m a little loopy.
So, okay, England didn’t win yesterday. Neither did my softball team last night (but we left it on the field, guys, we left it on the field – especially Kathleen, who bit it on the way to first and crawled the rest of the way to the bag and made it like the boss she is). It was 97 degrees with 100% humidity and only one of the rooms of my house has air conditioning right now. I have a chest cold that makes me sound like phlegmy Paul Robeson. And I’ve got a best bud out west who’s wondering (completely rationally) what life’s deal is.
BUT. In the plus column we have the following:
Today is Friday.
The mighty falling early in the World Cup makes room for awesome other countries to advance and we might have a very cool match on our hands with some first-tme winners.
We’re playing softball again next week (and against a truly odious team – like, literally the worst team ever) and have a good shot at kicking their ass.
The one room in my house with AC is my bedroom, so I’m sleeping very happily.
Mr. Yankette finds the sound of a phlegmy Paul Robeson alluring.
My best bud is also a cat-like badass.
So I’m take the long view. Like the man says: “It’s cool when you freak to the beat – but don’t sweat the technique.”
Brazil and Mexico tied each other in the World Cup yesterday, an outcome which I might be alone in thinking is kind of awesome. I was a hell of a match, as you can see by the stats below.
The stats, below.
Though Brazil was favored to win – home team advantage and all that – Mexico put up a hell of a fight. Seven saves! Amazing! So it’s only fitting we take a quick trip to Mexico today and hang with the Mexican Institute of Sound.
The people: Four female friends and your Yankette.
The motivation: US v. Ghana, i.e. Grudge Match 2014, i.e. the first game the U.S. is playing in this year’s World Cup.
Dempsey’s early goal set the mood. Ghana’s late goal to tie the match set the bar into hyper drive. Then when Brooks, a sub – a substitute (could this get any better? Jesus, it was like Dan Gladden in the ’91 World Series) – scored the winning goal, I have never, ever heard cheering like that. Portia overturned the popcorn. Megan almost dropped her beer. Anahi, Leila and I threw our arms around each other. And the entire bar, in chorus: “USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!”
Do I think we’ll win the World Cup? Who knows. But that was a pretty beautiful moment.
The Daily Tune-Up 